uhhuhsquid

tell me why i never tell anyone how i really feel, and then the one time i do i get rejected?

time.

it goes by so fast.

it goes by too slow.

for me im at a soid speed. its slow, but steady. but im ready to make use of my own time.

a while ago, a long time ago. i was so depressed, so unhappy. i had nothing in my life but time. time to do nothing. cause really, what could i do? i hated my family situation, my friends, school, no hobbies nothing. thinking back i dont know how i made it, and when i truely think about it, i really didnt. everyday was literally a struggle for me to live. and recently ive been feeling this way again. i dont know what it is, but i feel the same as before. like i have no one to talk to, no one who cares. and i know that i do have friends that are there to listen but its just to hard for me to say what i need to. i need to tell someone how i feel but i cant. my problems dont even compare to others. i mean nadas mom is dead. her dad told her on her moms one yeah death aniiversary that hes getting remarried. krystals mom..gone. my friends have divorced parents, a million younger hated siblings, and a few are living paycheck to paycheck. and whats wrong with me? im just not happy. i hate my parents. they hate each other. they might as well get divorced. and as for siblings. mine are perfect. older. gorgeous. successful. one has her own beautiful family. what do i have? nothing. im the failure of the family. dont believe me? ask my mom. and living paycheck to paycheck? well im almost there folks. septemeber tenth 2008 i was told that i need to be packed up and gone...and so the paycheck living begins.

i dont know how it can evoke so many different emotions from me. my heart aches when i hear a song, sung with feeling, relatable lyrics that bring me to tears. oh to create such emotion. even if i was driven, practiced, practiced, practiced i could never bring forth what other artists can. im not refering to bands like fall out boy, boys like girls, motion city soundtrack. and im not talking about songs like "the great escape", "soulja boy", or even some of the songs played on my own myspace profile. do you know which bands i am talking about? im sure you have a few of your own favorites in mind. and im sorry if i offended you by mentioning a band or song you absloutely love, but really. do these songs move you? because im looking for movement.

would you?

i would...

if i could.

and id sleep forever.

living my life as a never-ending dream.

i love aqualung, his music is very meaningful for me. if i ever fall in love i will listen to aqualung forever. *sigh and swoon*. if only i could find love. but seriously what defines love? i really dont understand it. maybe because ive never been in love? but see there seem to be two kinds of love.

ONE: is the steryotypical boyfriend girlfriend husband wife kind. and

TWO is the family friends etc love. but then again the first love can be divided into the shallow and less meaningful bf/gf where your in love for a few months then move on. and the second love can also be divided. family love is like no other. its almost something you have to do. then theres the best friend love. like you love you bf cause he/she is always there for you, you have fun together, etc. and then of course theres the married sort of love, which can also be divided. theres the "weve just gotten married this is so crazy im scared but i really love you" love. theres the "weve been married for a while and im so comfortable with you im going to leave the door open when i pee and argue with you when you leave the seat up" love. and theres the "weve been together too long i hate you but i love you because were stuck together" love (which usually ends in divorce). and lastly theres the "weve been together forever and i still love and accept you no matter what" love.

so what kind of love am i looking for? am i even looking for love? maybe i just want acceptance and to be wanted? maybe thats what everyone else is looking for too.

i cant decide.

maybe one day ill make up my mind.